I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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