This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
