i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
