My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
