I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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