Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
