I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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