You just made me feel so damn special
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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