the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
worst night to have a conscience
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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