I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
