OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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