this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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