Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
