You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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