I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
