I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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