Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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