i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
