i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
