I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
