....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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