who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We had to coat check the pizza.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
