Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
