jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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