The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
