I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
