Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
