I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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