i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
