I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
