Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
