2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
