i barfeds in our rink
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
