Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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