i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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