All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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