You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
