True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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