Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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