You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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