you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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