alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
