I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
