I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
