We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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