Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
