tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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