He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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