Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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