My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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