I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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