why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
