I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
