Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
