i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
