hotel room ftw
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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