Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
