you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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