did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
