I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
