oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
