Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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