I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
