Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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