Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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