My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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