any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
